Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade