Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories