every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.