@haleysfalling: every time you say the word "turnt" a baby gets run over by a smart car
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@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
@Darlainky: Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa's sleigh.
@SwedishCanary: I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.