every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
#Caturday
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
every college guy’s fridge