ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.