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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas