Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Never be a pizza!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
A wise man once said nothing.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me trying to “trust the process”