condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese