@CauseWereGuys: Every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she's right.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@CulturedRuffian: *on a date * Her: I love hiking, camping...I LOVE THE OUTDOORS! * trying to impress * Me: I live outside. Her: What? Me: I’m homeless.