Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles