Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one