Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Comparing yourself to others
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks