Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
You Might Also Like
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*