@SassyChantelle: Everybody always says say "No!" to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
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@Contwixt: That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
@dorsalstream: [lights 2016 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm engulfed in flames]
@dulcetry: Rapture's tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus. Two words: DUCK HUNT
@Sickayduh: "911 what's your emergency?" - I've been catfished by a dozen men "We're on our way" - Gonna arrest them? "Gonna shut off your internet"