Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
August 8
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.