I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
There’s never enough good news
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.