@Thee1_4U: Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
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@eddie_ferrero: [FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL] INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks. ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry. INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
@TommyKarate: Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.
@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
@RocketRankoon: I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.