Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Breaking news:
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days