“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
getting old is fun
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
let’s discuss
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute