“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.