@WindPushedGrass: Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.
@jonnysun: INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
@ShesARealGenius: Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?" Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda." Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"