Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair