Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.