Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You Might Also Like
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.