Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude