@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
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@fro_vo: [wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary
@YoungNobler: I'm still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
@Elizasoul80: I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like "you can totally take him."
@DecantAndPour: I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits. The other 7 glasses are just for me.