@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What did you do at preschool? 3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.
@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@RhinoUR: Buys valentine. Writes "I love you" inside. Mails card to self. Receives card in mail. Reads card. "Eww, why do I attract losers?"
@UncleDuke1969: Me: WOW. Look at those legs! Her: Thank you. M: They'd look great around my neck! H: Hey! M: Wish I'd brought my saw. H: WHAT?!? M: Nothing.