@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
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@mexinonblonde: Him-You have the most beautiful lips. Me-Wait...how do you know what my..... Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi! Yes, I know. Thank you.
@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
@iamhorcrux: Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family
@AlexReekie: There’s plenty more fish in the sea “Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod” I’m bad at consoling dumped friends