Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours