Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You Might Also Like
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Livid.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.