Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway