Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.