Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Not all heroes wear capes…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Goodnight 🐶
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Breaking news:
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*