Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
See..?
.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
pelicons