everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Yes, but it was never about money
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days