Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”