EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
You Might Also Like
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.