I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This classic never gets old . . .
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*me flirting
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.