Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Breaking news:
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.