To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that