[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You Might Also Like
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Important
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.