When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
You Might Also Like
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo