“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Now this is how you LinkedIn
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.