Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
You Might Also Like
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.