@weinerdog4life: Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
@Reverend_Scott: I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
@Reverend_Scott: BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don't hesitate to- ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
@andiedandie0: Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .