Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.