Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex