Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.