Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Not today. 😅
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.