My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
peep davidson
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.