@Huntermoore: Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
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@AnkCoupleTO: Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
@merican_ninjy: I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
@CopBroughtPizza: i just found that children's tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol...
@bourgeoisalien: If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."