I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.