Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
every single time
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
opening twitter today
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.