I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
#Caturday
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.