Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Good advice.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
repaired
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living