@mattZillaaaa: Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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@tastefactory: Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
@Reverend_Scott: Don't forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else's expectations today!
@jngraphs: Me: Nice new car, boss Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I'll be able to buy an even better one
@abbycohenwl: Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"