@Token_Geezer: Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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@abbycohenwl: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
@ComedicBust: MECHANIC: looks like it’s the transmission. It’s going to cost 5 grand. ME: [hiking up my pants, pretending I know what I’m talking about] Sure it’s not the ol’ mcgriddle? MECHANIC: the McDonalds breakfast sandwich? ME: Debit or credit?
@TwinSurvivalist: [Husband 911] Me: I just shattered the gravy boat. 911: She'll kill you. M: I know. 911: We never spoke. M: What? 911: Good luck * Click *
@ShortSleeveSuit: HR: Alright people, let's be a little more sensitive to Linda because she's pregnant with child Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*