Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You Might Also Like
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.