Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
so this horse walks into a bar
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?