Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
The Book. The Movie.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”